poseidon used to be at the top of the food chain. god of the oceans, adored by mermaids and feared by mortals, he had it all: power, abs. a sea empire. he didn’t need shirts. he was the vibe. pure aquatic daddy energy.

but ruling the waves got exhausting. he didn’t want to manage tides or moderate dolphin orgies anymore. so he made a plan: sell the empire, buy a yacht, move to mykonos, and live as a full-time playboy.

he then made a deal with the devil. but the question is: why would the devil even want to buy water anyway? hell/hannover is already rainy enough as it is. instead, it was a corporate devil from switzerland.

after a hungover meeting with neß***, poseidon sold the rights to all the world’s water. oceans, rivers, puddles—gone. signed it all away while distracted by a spicy nude sent by his then girlfriend salmonella.

poseidon didn’t even get paid in real money. the deal was in crypto. not bitcoin. not ethereum. daddycoin, a startup token backed by vibes, reddit degenerates, and twitter bots. the moment he cashed out, the coin collapsed. 98 % loss. 100 % humiliation.

salmonella, the kim kardashian of the ocean (kim kardocean, haha) dumped him immediately. she left him for captain iglo, a frozen food mogul with frosty abs and a large fischstäbchen. poseidon was not only broke, but also deeply heartbroken.

he tried everything to stay above water. launched an onlyfins. starred in a reality show called "promis unter wasser". became the mascot of a famous seafood chain. but still it wasn't enough to finance his 30sqm apartment in berlin-kreuzberg.

now he sells bitter waßer outside of the legendary club kitbat. emotionally flat, legally broke, but still shirtless. each bottle comes with a little "salt", some microplastics, and the faint memory of what could’ve been. he is no longer a god. but he's still a daddy.