an absurd fairytale

desperate german brings a delightful twist to german fairytales, language, and culture. in this fully illustrated masterpiece, you'll follow the siblings hans & greta as they embark on a magical adventure towards the secret city of bielefeld.

classic, modern & unhinged

this book combines the absurdity of german classical fairytales with the absurdity of german modern life, showcasing the many nuances of a multifaceted magical society, from loud illegal raves to the legality of "quiet hours".

written between the lines

some people read lines. other people snort them. this book highlights them, with contextual insights and "useful phrases in german" at the end of each chapter, making it a unique blend of humour, language learning, and cultural commentary.

made with love

you've never seen a book like this. this hardcover masterpiece will be printed in austria with high-quality european paper, featuring vibrant colours, hundreds of handmade illustrations and hidden details on every single page.

meet the characters

desperate german features dozens of characters inspired by both traditional fairytales & modern pop culture. you might already know some of them:

  • hans 🙋🏼‍♂️

    hans is a "golden retriever boy" from the bavarian countryside. his kind and generous personality is marked by partying, fun, ✨special substances✨ and a complete lack of self-control.

  • greta 🤷🏻‍♀️

    greta is cunning, smart, and only cares about one thing: making money. her business skills, sharp language and unhinged behaviour make her a huge contrast to her twin brother hans.

  • the oma 👵

    the grandmother is not only the most successful entrepreneur of the entire kingdom, but also the person responsible for the production and distribution of the world's best dru-, uh, SPICES.

  • sinderella ⛓️‍💥

    sinderella (with an S, you know, because she sins) is an innocent-looking dominatrix who's looking to become the kinkiest girl of the entire kingdom. or kinkdom?

  • sleeping beauty 😴

    sleeping beauty is an overworked management consultant who has no interest in being awakened. instead she will sue anyone who dares interrupt her "ruhezeiten".

  • the bear 🧸

    beauty and the beast just got played a reverse card – this once-beloved bear got turned into a man, and now spends his days trapped in his "podcastle".

  • snow white ❄️

    if it snows, it blows. that's the motto of snow white, a fabulous drag queen who runs a sophisticated substance-dealing operation with her seven twinks.

  • the big bald wolf 🐺

    the wolf is a real estate developer who never intended to eat the three little pigs. instead he wants to evict them from their houses and gentrify their neighbourhood.

  • dracula, the vampbier 🍻

    dracula doesn't need blood to survive – as long as he has beer. after a surprising incident at oktoberfest, this vampire became an icon of german beer culture.

  • pinnochio 🪵

    this frustrated sex toy is unable to lie. instead he exploits the german art of passive-aggressive language in order to conceal his intentions.

  • rapunzel 💸

    this long-haired beauty influencer is running away from the tax authorities and spends her days locked away in her dubai penthouse.

  • and many, many more ✨

    including "john and the weedstalk", "the evil witch", and a number of real-life personalities and celebrities i might not be legally allowed to talk about.

✨ pre-order now ✨

if you like watching "desperate german" and "hans & greta", please consider pre-ordering this book – each and every pre-order is a huge contribution to this (and future) projects.

all pre-ordered books will be delivered before christmas.

merch

books

here you can find my german cookbooks. if you order "verzweifelt kochen" oder "verzweifelt trinken", you get a second copy of "verzweifelt kochen" for free.

little hans is lonely

please subscribe to his e-mail list, else he's going to get sad – or worse – start a podcast.